53 Portrait of my own mind

Sometimes, life throws you pancakes & beer, sometimes it throws you cat pee in your suitcase.  Today was a cat pee kind of day.  It was a curve ball I did not expect, and I was surprised how much it affected me.  I desperately wanted to take a portrait of someone today... Maybe this would be my somber portrait, maybe I would learn something amazing in the pushing through the vomit that was smearing my 'happy'.  It was one of the coldest nights of the year, and I threw on my scarf and gloves and walked down the street to wander and find some dinner.  Everyone was scurrying around, ditching out of the cold, walking briskly to their destination.  I thought I should stop at a street corner and just wait for someone to arrive who looked as if they wouldn't mind a stranger asking for their photo.  Then my monkey brain set in... "What is my purpose in this anyway?"  "Is it about a picture, or a connection?"  "Maybe this is stupid."  " There's no way to get a decent shot like this, just go home."  As I sat down, "table for one, please", at Mama Ji's, I eaves dropped on the tables around me and felt mildly entertained as I ate my bowl of chow mein.  Should I ask the waitress?  Or, maybe the guys sitting next to me...  I decided I was sad that I was stressed about this, I didn't like the feeling of "having" to take a photo tonight, was this part of my deal?  I knew it was, I knew that it's not all supposed to be fun & games, and that I would have to push myself through times like this, and I liked that fact.  But why couldn't I do it tonight?  I was resenting the person who made me feel so bad, but I also knew it was up to me to make my reality and not someone else.  I paid my check, thanked the beautiful server who I wished I could have asked for a photo, and threw my scarf back around my neck to walk the three blocks home.  I knew as I walked out the door that I had given up.  It was defeating, but I think it was a good lesson now that I look back on it.  I was forced to ask myself a lot of questions and go through my fears and contemplate my thoughts.  I did not get a portrait today.  Yet, I have a portrait in my mind of my own mind, and the swirls and dips it goes into when it's in distress, and I guess that's a portrait only I will get to see.